


promises under my skin

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Drug Use, F/M, M/M, just like a smidge, not being good enough, some therapeutic writing for me, talk about suicide, use of racist slurs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-07
Updated: 2013-04-07
Packaged: 2017-12-07 17:40:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/751224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in which zayn has never had the chance to like himself or his skin because everywhere he goes people are throwing his skin and his religion at his face and it's like... nobody sees what goes on until zayn's almost breaking</p><p>~</p><p>‘we’re all the same liam when… when i take them. we’re all the same and nobody’s calling me a sandnigger like it doesn’t hurt and i just… i like that feeling. i don’t have to try then.’ zayn says and liam gasps,</p>
            </blockquote>





	promises under my skin

**Author's Note:**

> so i got very emotional while writing this. as a black person i hear racist comments a lot and it's by my own friends too and they act as if i don't matter and the fact that they just said 'i don't like black people' or 'i would never date a black person' isn't offensive when it is and i channeled all this anger and sadness through zayn. 
> 
> if you're a PoC struggling through the same thing as i am say something, don't be a coward like me. tell whoever says that to you to sit the fuck down because your skin and religion are a beautiful part of you! 
> 
> Also I've been reading a lot of unfortunate17's stuff on tumblr and here and reading one of her stories was kind of my inspiration for this too. so yeah go read and sorry for the non-capitalization i just wanted to try out something new.

zayn doesn’t think it’s a problem per se, it’s just that sometimes the lights flashing get a bit much and his heart thumps under his ribcage so erratically that it liam feels like it’s literally going to burst out of his heart one day. he doesn’t think about the way people look at him in an airport and he wants to tell them that ‘no he isn’t going to blow them up’ but they don’t care, they continue to whisper cruel words that cut into his subconscious. the words hurt more each day and they cut like itty bitty knives into his dark skin and he scratches and pulls and he wonders as he looks into the faces of his band mates… _why am i not white?_

the words he gets called, they’re the worst of all. he tries not to listen to them and the boys form some kind of protective force field around him when they’re being thrown around like a bad joke and it’s just, zayn wants to put his hands on his ears and he doesn’t want to listen to what people think he is.

sand nigger.

paki.

dumb muslim.

it all hurts because there was a time when everything inside him wasn’t shattered and forced open by these monsters with cameras and there is literally nothing inside him anymore and he does drugs. it isn’t just weed (well sometimes it is, when he’s just a bit tame and the world is so silent and the edges get kind of frayed).

but then there’s cocaine and heroin. because they give him something else to focus on, not on his dark skin. he thinks about what would happen if he od’d. he wonders if liam would love him then.

*

so zayn’s fourteen and there’s this boy named danny who walks around like a lion, he knows he’s special and he knows he’s the king. and one day when zayn is just leaning on the wall at the back of his school he meets danny. kids at his school are mean and he knows about all the racist jokes that are said about him and other kids of color.

_‘what do you call a swimming pool full of sand niggers?’_

_‘what?’_

_‘an oil spill’_

_‘how can you tell when a black has been on your computer?’_

_‘how?’_

_‘it’s not there.’_

and they laugh but all zayn can do is crumble. he sees the way the black kids cringe and he just, he wishes that someone could say something but nobody ever does because the minorities are never listened to. if you aren’t a privileged white kid you aren’t shit.

anyways danny sees him and well danny’s skin is the same shade of dark as his and his eyes are light like zayn’s. but danny smokes and zayn’s never put a cancer stick in between his lips and puffed before but danny says,

‘do it.’ so zayn does it and it burns his throat and the smoke is so thick he wonders how anyone can see through it and he’s about to tell danny to fuck off but he looks up and danny’s staring down at him, his eyes glittering and zayn thinks ‘holy fucking shit this boy is so beautiful and everything about him is’ and his bran short circuits.

but pause.

zayn’s never liked a boy before so it’s all so confusing for him. so he just continues to smoke and he follows danny around. by then his mother starts questioning why his clothes smell like smoke and he just shrugs. she gives him disapproving looks but zayn doesn’t look at her because he kind of resents her for not marrying a white guy, for leaving zayn with this burden to carry.

it gets worse and waliyah comes into his room one night and she says,

‘zayn i don’t fit. i’m not even a puzzle piece and they all hate me. and it’s so bad zayn.’ and she’s so small and she has these eyes that are too big for her face, and her hair is dark but zayn knows she doesn’t want it and she holds onto him like a koala and she says, ‘zayn i hate me.’ and zayn just cries. cries because he can’t save her and it all hurts.

zayn sits down with danny one day and he tells danny about what his sister said and danny says,

‘maybe some people weren’t meant to fit. maybe some people were meant to create.’ and he takes zayn’s slim fingers into his own and he plays with it and says, ‘you’ll make it zayn and she will too.’ and all zayn can do is stare at their dark fingers and they mold together and zayn sighs through his nose, closes his eyes and rolls his head back. _please allah let this be forever._

and when danny kisses him they both taste like smoke and zayn’s high off his mind. zayn feels like he’s going to slip off danny’s dingy couch but that’s just the drugs playing tricks on him and he holds on. to what… he’s not sure yet.

zayn’s fifteen when danny comes to him and says,

‘zayn there’s this girl…’ and zayn doesn’t even want to know and he doesn’t hear danny he just kind of… he blanks because apparently there’s a girl and the whole year that once was zaynanddanny has faded into danny-and-this girl. and zayn smokes like a fucking chimney and he gets high too and he wants to scream at his mom every time she looks at him with pity in her eyes because why doesn’t she ask? why doesn’t she ask what’s wrong with him?

zayn doesn’t even know how he breathes anymore.

*

when zayn’s sixteen his mom says,

‘zayn you can sing.’ and that’s that. zayn doesn’t think about it but then three months later he’s standing amongst hopefuls at the x-factor auditions. and some of them can really sing and all zayn can feel is the tremor running around his body and all he can do is cling to his mom’s hand and she kisses his temple,

‘zayn, zayn, zayn.’ she whispers like a fucking prayer and zayn closes his eyes. _please allah let me make something beautiful._

*

and zayn meets this boy at mcdonalds. all he’s doing is sitting there eating his fries and the boy comes in and zayn recognizes him as the one who came back, the one who could probably sing laps and then some around zayn. zayn thinks that this boy is one of the prettiest things he’s ever seen and zayn thinks… _he could never love me. look at my skin and look at his skin._

‘zayn right?’ the boy asks because he’s confident and all zayn can do is nod softly,

‘yeah. liam.’ he breathes and it’s not a question just a statement.

‘your audition was wonderful.’ liam says and zayn’s met sincere people. he’s met his mother with her calm smile and her wonderful blue eyes that see through you, he’s also met danny with his skinny fingers wrapped around a cigarette and his truthful words but this boy… this stranger says something that zayn’s heard once or twice and he feels like he can sell out a whole arena.

‘same.’ zayn says because he’s not really eloquent. liam laughs,

‘i’m going to get my food but i’ll be right back.’ he says and then he turns around. zayn watches him and when liam comes back and tells him about how scared he is and how much he just wants to sing all zayn can think is, _please allah let him be something magical._

_*_

and they say he can sing well but he has no idea why he doesn’t get in and it’s like… this is all he had to live for. and he closes his eyes and thinks about waliyah, doniya and safaa. and he thinks about how doniya says,

‘bugs, mom. there are bugs under my skin.’ and she says it with such disgust and hate and zayn wants to show them that they’re beautiful too. but he doesn’t make it and all he can feel is cinderblocks being tied around his ankles and woops… he goes under.

but then he gets called back and his legs shake like he’s bambi and there are four other boys and one of them is liam. liam looks at him and zayn looks at him too but then his eyes slip onto the judges with their steely faces and bored looks. they give them another chance and zayn slips like nothing else and he wonders how he’s ever going to do this.

*

after that zayn gains three brothers and a liam. because he could never call liam a brother because brothers don’t kiss other brothers after a performance and it’s just… it’s easy. nobody addresses what’s going on; it’s just lips against lips and maybe a bit of feelings thrown into there but nothing.

and at night zayn will crawl into liam’s bed and he’ll look at liam with fright,

‘li i’m scared’ he’ll say and liam will smile,

‘my mother always told me that it’s okay to be a little scared… just don’t let them see.’ liam says and he holds onto zayn’s fingers like danny used too and he touches them and says, ‘but we’ll make it okay. and if we don’t… feel free to kiss me hard.’ liam says cheekily and zayn laughs,

‘alright.’

liam meets a girl and it’s like the universe is playing a sick joke on him because liam says, ‘zayn there’s this girl…’ and zayn doesn’t listen because not again. no, no, no, not again. he watches liam with sad eyes and he thinks,

_‘bugs mom, there are bugs under my skin.’_

*

and the kissing stops because liam sees that she’s his girlfriend and he really likes her. zayn just sits on the bed and he can’t help the tears, liam doesn’t even try to comfort him all he says is,

‘i’m so sorry zayn you know.’ and then he leaves because he’ll be late to his date with danielle.

the other boys don’t talk about it much but niall always takes him out to nandos and talks a lot when zayn gets into one of those moods, louis always enlists him into being a helper in his plan to prank either harry or niall to get his mind off things. harry always checks up on him and he’ll crawl into bed with zayn,

‘you okay?’ he’ll ask and zayn will sigh,

‘i don’t think so’ and it’s okay with harry because you don’t always have to be okay and it’s alright to be a little scared… as long as you don’t let them see.

*

zayn meets rebecca and she’s wonderful. she makes him feel older then he really is and she listens. he doesn’t love her but he likes the idea of her, of a person who’ll listen to him and love him. he likes holding her hands and he likes being with her but she isn’t liam no matter how kind she is.

so they’re over and it doesn’t break zayn as much as it should.

so they don’t win but they do. because soon they’re going into a tour with big time rush and these boys are so nice and zayn doesn’t even know what the hell is going on half the time. and he’ll call his sisters and zayn says,

‘doniya there are butterflies and fireworks under your skin.’ and it’s so cliché but it makes him feel so good telling her that because there are no longer bugs and he wants her to see that. and she gets this boyfriend and he has pale skin and green eyes and he turns the bugs into promises,

_‘promises mom, there are promises under my skin.’_

and he calls waliyah and says, ‘if you don’t like you i’ll do it for you’ and she cries and says,

‘thank you, thank you. i love you so much, _bhai.’_

and liam continues being liam. because some days he’ll be all about danielle and then other times he’ll steal glances at zayn and he’ll make zayn think twice about things and he has no right to do that but zayn lets him.

*

it’s when they’re on their first tour that it starts. zayn’s on the internet and there’s an article about him as a whole and he’s so confused because he’s never seen an article about him without the boys before. he regrets clicking it because there are these words and he sees,

‘terrorist.’ and, ‘muslim’ and everything just hurts so much. and zayn thought that school was gone but here is the proof that it isn’t, staring him in the face and zayn shakes his head as he lets himself break down. he wonders what this means for the band but nobody addresses it and zayn knows that his white band mates don’t get it!

because he’s not saying that they don’t have problems because louis gets told he can’t sing multiple times, harry gets called a whore every day, niall’s called ugly and liam’s called boring but they don’t get the fact that people don’t like him because he’s not white and he follows by a different god and zayn can’t… he just can’t.

one day when he’s at a party there’s this girl and she hands him cocaine and she says,

‘it’ll make you forget.’ and zayn bounces off the walls and he likes the drugs because for one second there is no white or black. they’re all the same and that’s just fucking perfect.

*

liam comes into his room one day and he says,

‘zayn why are you doing this?’ and zayn doesn’t know what liam’s talking about or why he cares because zayn isn’t danielle and liam doesn’t care about anything that isn’t her. but zayn’s anger dissipates when he sees the worry that clouds liam’s features and he just looks scared and sad.

‘what, what am i doing?’ zayn asks and liam flails his hands around,

‘the drugs zayn. i found them and it’s not weed, it’s some pretty hard shit.’ liam says coming closer but zayn flinches away,

‘if you touch me I swear to god i’ll burn.’ zayn whispers and liam stops walking. he stares at zayn and he says,

‘i care.’

‘really… since when?’ liam stares,

‘please don’t think low of me. i know I hurt you.’ liam says and zayn stares and he finally says,

‘we’re all the same liam when… when i take them. we’re all the same and nobody’s calling me a sandnigger like it doesn’t hurt and i just… i like that feeling. i don’t have to try then.’ zayn says and liam gasps,

‘who’s called you that?’ and zayn just laughs but it sounds like he’s crying,

‘don’t act like you’ve never heard them or seen the articles. for christ sakes liam, they don’t even let me celebrate my religion in peace because they just… liam they say i’m part of the taliban. i don’t belong don’t you get it?’ zayn says and he lets out a shuddery breath,

‘zayn,’ liam says and zayn shakes his head,

‘and i don’t get what i’ve done besides exist. and i don’t have that desire anymore.’ zayn whispers and the silence that follows is so empty and zayn’s never confessed these thoughts to someone before. he thinks that maybe liam should fuck off because he can’t just come into zayn’s life once and then just get everything that zayn’s been keeping in.

‘zayn don’t say that.’ liam says and zayn laughs,

‘why the fuck not? we’re all going to burn out and some of us… some of us don’t even leave a mark.’ zayn says and he crumples onto the carpet and liam’s arms are around him in a second. he holds onto zayn and he rocks him back and forth,

‘no zayn no,’ liam says and zayn continues to blubber,

‘and there are days where i want to rip my skin off because why am i not white? why is this my fate?’ and all liam can do is rock him back and forth. zayn feels like he’s self-destructing and he’s dying. _please allah let me fade into something powerful._

*

all four boys sit zayn down after that and zayn hates liam payne. zayn sits on one couch and they all sit on another and zayn almost throws something because way to address the issue by separating them. their faces are pained and louis looks older beyond his years. harry has his bottom lip caught between his teeth, niall looks like he’s going to start sobbing any second and liam just looks so tired and zayn knows that they don’t deserve it. they’re all quiet and zayn fiddles with his fingers and he doesn’t… he doesn’t understand what they’re going to say to him.

‘zayn… liam’s talked to us.’ louis finally says and zayn looks up at him,

‘i can see that.’ he says and louis runs a hand over his face,

‘zayn you do know you’re beautiful… right? and your skin doesn’t change that. and you know we don’t care what god you believe in right?’ louis asks and zayn almost laughs because he’s white! he doesn’t fucking get it!

‘and we don’t want you doing these drugs anymore… we want you to get help.’ harry says softly and zayn looks up with pleading eyes,

‘but harry you don’t get it… we all become one.’ zayn whispers and his hands are shaking. harry’s eyes are glistening with tears and he nods,

‘you’re right zayn i don’t. but this isn’t good for you, you’re going to get better and you’ll see that it doesn’t matter.’ harry says and zayn closes his eyes and rolls his head back. he thinks, _please allah let me float up, up and away._

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr: http://youreawkward-haha-metoobro.tumblr.com/
> 
> Credit to her for giving me the inspiration for this story: http://unfortunate17.tumblr.com


End file.
